MotiveHATE

Angsty. Pissed off. Burning with anger. Unmitigated hatred for all things living.

Some words used to describe how I operate on a daily basis, and almost all as accurate as a headless blind man throwing darts at a Chinese transvestite's left testicle. No offence meant to headless people of course.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not an angry person.

Fuck you, I'm not.

No, really. Sure, like every mouth-breeder on the planet, I have my opinions about certain things, hell I even hate a few things. Okay, so I hate a lot of things. But I am not an angry person. Hate does not necessarily make you angry, and being angry in the first place is not really a negative thing. Well when taken to far, perhaps it can be rather nasty. I mean just look at the Hulk. You know how much he needs to spend on clothes? Poor bastard.

See the thing is, we live in a society that has deemed anger, hate, rage and being Hitler a very very bad thing. I disagree. *gasp!* *groan!* *scream blue murder!* Still, I don't think it's as bad as everyone perceives it to be. Personally, I find anger as the most motivational thing.

But don't take my word for it.

The Person:
Genghis "I love eating Chinese. Literally." Khan

The Motivation:
You killed my ambassadors and messengers of peace. Twice.

The Rage:
It was the first time the great Khan had reached the middle east. And yes, the man had just turned most of China into lo-mien, and the other half into Peking Duck. Upon his arrival (well let's not kid ourselves, the guy never really had a "destination" so to speak. Well maybe except to die just so he could go to heaven and kick Jesus in the nuts.) Genghis sent a good will caravan into the neighbouring Khwarezmid Empire. Some 450 men. No really, the caravan was totally legit. Jealous of Genghis' awesome balls, the Governor Inalchuq of Otrar slaughtered all of them, save one Mongol who he sent back.

Okay. Obviously these Middle Eastern folks had no idea who they were fuckin with here. Hence why you should always consult a Chinese person before excepting or sending back a gift.

So anyway, the Moustachiod one decided to give these "savages" another chance and sent a delegation to Inalchuq's (let's just call him Anal from now on yeah) boss: Shah Ala ad-Din Muhammad II. Take a wild stab in the dark at a Mongolian, and guess what happened to them.

Anyway, to cut a long story short. Mr Anal ended up having molten silver being poured into his eyes and mouth. The bastard had it lucky. Cause the Gengman wasn't done. He then completely obliterated the army of Khwarezmia which was 5 times the size of his own, before diverting a river to completely wipe the Sultan's birthplace of the fucking map! Can you picture that? Can you really? It's the equivalent of you stepping on an ant hill, and then bulldozing the whole fucking area, and turning it into a god damned car-park, which will be adjacent to a football stadium.

The very funny, very angry guys at Cracked.com said it best so find out more about the rest of the people who fuckin went on anger sprees over there, caused honestly i can't be arsed to site more examples.

Which then brings me to the crux of this little write up. Anger is motivation. Some of the greatest things on earth are done out of pure hatred for oneself and the idiots around said one. Yes Hitler was a major douch, but we learned from his bloody mistakes (namely, don't be a complete cunt, just an everyday Bush Bastard will do). Thomas Edison hated his competitors so much, that he stole all their fuckin patents (Nikola Tesla is a fuckin genius!) and when they asked for their due pay, he would tell them "When you become a full-fledged American you will appreciate an American joke." A dick you say? Yes. Now try saying it without any lights on.

And above and beyond all this outward animosity, is the true motivational facet of anger. Hatred and anger at yourself. It's what pushes every single athlete forward, after all when you're the fastest fuckin man on earth, the only person left to beat is yourself. Born to a broken home with fucked up parents? Get transported to a military ruled country? Live in shit and get fucked up on marijuana and cocaine? Fuck it. Leave that shit and become the god-damned president.

If you've never felt anger in your life you can never honestly say that you are empathetic. If you have never hated something with all your soul, you can never ever claim to love something with all your heart.

So embrace the dark side. Love it ironically. Cuddle with it on cold and lonely nights, and don't forget to leave your number in the morning. Fuck it, and have children with it, cause you know what? It's the best friend you can ever have.

And if you need to feel angry about anything, I'm here to help. I have a knack for pissing people off. And to all assholes who already fucking hate me?

You are most welcome.

Bastards.

EnviroMENTAL

Mother Nature is one scary bitch. She has things on this planet, that would frankly make Captain America piss his pant. Example: Australia aka The Most Poisonous Fucking Place On Earth.

Seriously. I'm not kidding. Google that shit.

Animals have evolved to become living death-machines. A single bite from a venomous spider could kill you all kinds of dead. 12 times over. Per bite. And then there are ape-shit killer wasps, who spray your ass with pheromones, so that 20 to 30 of these inch long bastards could come sting you till you're a bloated, quivering, mass of meat and fecal matter. Again, i ain't kidding. Google it.

Go on, i'll wait here till you recover from the sting in the face you got from just reading about those mean sons of bitches.

As humans, we are by far the weakest and most basic model of a living being. Leave us naked and alone in a jungle, and there won't be a fucking John Rambo. They'd just be you curled up in the fetal position, sucking on your thumb while half your body was being eaten by a bunch of ants. Yes, fucking ants! Warrior Ants to be specific. Google it.

So despite all these obvious shortcomings. We still walk around thinking we are the most evolved creatures on the face of this planet. We kill, pillage and burn our way through forests, jungles, and water ways simply as an overcompensation for our weak and fragile bodies complete with tiny penises and under developed nuts. We prove our dominance over every other living thing by simply killing them off with underhanded brutal and totally fucking weak instruments. We basically have all the self-esteem of a gnat when it comes to dealing with nature.

I know what you're saying. We got our brains. That's what nature gave us. Our superior intellect. Well, i could look around me right now and point out at least 50 people who obviously failed that step in evolution. Furthermore, look what our great big brains have brought us. Death. Starvation. Famine. War. Pestilence. Murder. Rape. And reality TV.

Oh, and that bitch Oprah. Fuck her.

It is all too often that we forget we are of the primate ancestry. Basically we're just a bunch of shit-flinging monkeys. But, no. We still count ourselves superior to animals. We keep messing with their environment just as much as we can. When will you humans get it. Nature has a plan. And we're fucking it up.

We're fucking Pinky, to Mother Nature's Brain.

And of course when Mother Nature has had enough of our mucking about. She offs us by the thousands. Earthquakes. Tsunamis. Tornadoes. Viruses. The internet. Can't you realize this is nature's way of telling us to get the fuck off the planet. Or at least stop multiplying at the speed of sound. And we call these things tragedies. We get up in arms to battle it, and stop it from ever happening again (while at the same time developing new and exciting ways to off thousands of our own kind while we're at it). Way to go you big-brained imbeciles.

Where the fuck was the tragedy when the gorillas were hunted to near extinction? Where were the bloody militiamen protecting the white rhinos? Where were you over-intelligent fucking orangutans when the real orangutans were slaughtered? You want to talk about the homeless? What of the millions of homeless creatures left behind after their jungle homes were turned into paper on which to wipe your ass with? Ass-wipe.

Humility has never been one of my strong points. But when i stand in the face of a woman who could kick my ass in ways that would make the Hulk cry, i will kneel. Bow. Grovel even. And that's what we need to realize. Stop fucking nature, or you will soon feel that gentle hand slowly bending you over the ladder of evolution, and aiming for maximum penetration.

I am going to go curl up in a ball now, and think about all those ants i fried as a kid, and pray they don't have long memories...

Inhuman Weakness

Fat. Lazy. Flatulent.

Words not only used to describe yo momma, but also the recent human condition.
It is alarming how humans these days seem to be growing weaker and weaker my the year. With all the wonders of modern technology and medicine, the human physique has become less and less important. Supplements take the place of good old fashioned exercise, and video games take the place of a good old fashioned ass-kicking.

Kids these days don't even know how to brawl. And my god are they tiny. Walking past a high-school these days is like taking a visit to fucking Hobbiton. These little bastards are really small for their age. This is proof that even evolution has decided to give up on us as a species, and is just taking a back seat by saying, "Fuck off you little twats, may you eventually grow smaller and smaller till you fade off this planet!"

And we deserve it.

Just take a look at our leaders. Our chiefs so to speak. Just look at these flabby out of shape sons of bitches. I can't remember a single leader from any country in my lifetime that isn't over aged, over weight, and over compensating for his tiny penis. (*cough* GeorgeBush *cough*) It's pathetic really. The kings and leaders of old, were chosen for their physical superiority and battle prowess. Okay, so there were exceptions to that rule, fucking Roman fairies...

But come now, wouldn't you like to have a leader in this day an age who would be at the front line of a battle with personal bodyguards in place only to protect his enormous bronze balls. And if he fell, he would go out in a blaze of awesomeness, asking the next better person to take his place, instead of some faggot-y son of his *cough* KimJongIll *cough*....

Oh wait, Conan The Barbarian became a governor or something right? There is hope for California then.

It's no wonder that we live in a generation of weaklings. Because why even bother being strong. All you need to do is to escape into the gaming world and customize your body there, and poof! Eugene is suddenly EuginatorX The Conqueror of World and Lover of Wenches. But in the real world he is still Eugene Owner of Antlike Balls, and his tiny ass will still get kicked at Hobbiton tomorrow.

Sure we compensate for our inferior physique in the animal kingdom by exercising our overly developed brains, but look at what that has brought us. War. Famine. Disease. Cowardice. Antisocial Behavior. And Eugene's really small testicles. And we try as hard as possible to eliminate our own species in the process.

Again Evolution sticking his middle finger at us while laughing maniacally. Bastard.

Wall-E might have been entertaining for you, but it gave me nightmares for weeks, realizing that that future is one that is very very real indeed. Which, also leads me to believe that Pixar is actually headed by Satan himself.

But I'll save that for another post.

It says a lot for how weak we've become when a rouge strain of flu can cause an international emergency. When we fear for our very existence at the mere mention of the word recession. And when a simple piece of paper with the picture of a dead leader (sans bronze balls) printed on it becomes the symbol of ultimate power and supremacy.

How brave are we, when wars and battles are fought from miles away at the push of a button and pull of a trigger. As we speak humans are devolping new and exciting ways of staying as far away as possible from other humans in fear of dying, or getting a boo-boo.

I say fuck em all. Let's get to brawling. Let's remember what it's like to be punched in the face, and kicked in the gut. To chew on metal and to spit blood. To get hit, get back up and hit back. Let's remember what it's like to have some god damned nuts!

Damn it!

Okay, no more coffee and cigarettes for me.

Multi Racist

We're all racist. We are. Don't deny it.

We all project our deep down racial stereotype prejudices towards one another in one form or the other. Whether we realise it or not, we don't really live in any harmony whatsoever. Racial tolerance perhaps. But harmony? Bollocks.

Sure, my best friends are from different races, but when it comes to money, hell I'd trust my Chinese friend over my Indian one at any given time. Even if said Chinese friend was bankrupted 5 times, has a gambling problem and has the Lim family on speed dial. Why? Cause i grew up in a school full o'chinese fellows who did a hell of a lot better than me in Math. And the Indian dude might spend it on alcohol.

You winced. Of course you did. After all, that's what was bouncing around somewhere around in your mind. An Indian man drinks. A lot. No seriously, bloody rednecks would shit themselves seeing how much alcohol an Indian can consume. But that's just it isn't it? We are pre-programmed to believe an Indian guy can drink anyone under the table. And still have the strength, neigh, sheer willpower to go home and beat his wife. What a bastard. Well, you i mean. For thinking that.

And so, the Chinese guy gambles, the Indian dude drinks, and what of the Malays?

They fuck. A lot. Rabbits have lowered their tiny little pink noses, and dropped their long long ears to the ground in reverence of said fucking. One wife, two wives, my wife, your wife, it doesn't matter, a Malay dude will do her. And then ride off into the night on his motorbike to race and cause some havoc, before burning a church (allegedly) and dying under the wheels of a Kancil, which will also crash while carrying 9 other Malays in it. They're like lemmings i tell you. Oh, and they're apparently as dumb as dildos too!

Oh, but throw that Malay a football and looks how he takes off! With the Indian right behind him, and the Chinese dude looking like a more retarded version of Corky on the pitch. He should just stick to ping-pong and basketball no?

Oh, and how could i forget my beloved Eurasian brethren. Well, we're just assholes. ALL OF US. No exceptions.

The fact that you know what I'm talking about up to this point, already makes you a racist stereotype-caster.

Listen. No matter what we proclaim to be, we are indeed racist. Perhaps, not in a KKK/Nazi/Mel Gibson way, but we are. We look at a person and judge them based on the color of their skin, the way they talk, or the way that they smell. Mmmmm, mutton curry. And we will continue to do so, and we will be just fine. We don't necessarily hate each other, we just expect certain things of certain races. And if/when it happens, we will merely shrug it off and say, "Ah, that's just what he's like." It's not wrong, and you don't need to feel guilty about it. Feeling guilty about these little petty things will only make you more angry. Cause ultimately, all that guilt will have to find a person to blame, and no matter how unselfish you think you may be, that person won't be yourself.

And me? Well, i just can't wait to gamble with my Chinese, get drunk with my Indians, and get in on some o'that Malay poontang.

After all, I'm just another asshole.

Antisocial Networking

Well the office has finally gone and banned Facebook. And MSN apparently. Although that son of a bitch Twitter is still allowed. (If they even touch Torrents, I'm resigning.) And it seems like they may be on an all out war on social networking.

And i say good fuckin riddance.

Okay, so they still allow the use of these apps after 6pm, which I guess is needed to keep a whole bunch of people from resigning. But I am glad they've decided to do something about the menace of social networking. Allow me to elaborate.

Fuck social networking. Fuck it in the ear.

Where the hell do you get off poking me? I dare you to try that in real life. Go ahead. See now your fingers are broken. How the hell are you going to update your status now bitch? Oh yeah, status updates. What the hell is this shit? Why do i need to know what John Q Nobody is doing every moment of his god damned life.

Hey if your life was so fuckin interesting, write a god damned autobiography. And then go kill yourself. It's the only way it'll ever sell.

Look, what I'm saying is, it's not so much the online apps that i abhor. The mere fact that I'm saying this in bloody cyberspace proves that the concept of it works. What i hate is how people use this crap as a shield to stop communicating with one another.

If you wanted to tell me how your day was, pick up the god damned phone and tell me. Or fuck that, let's get a whiskey instead. Don't send me a fuckin email when you're sitting in the cubicle next to me. Don't text me when your lazy ass works in the same office as me. And don't bloody expect me to know you were having a bad day by reading your fuckin twit. Twat.

I don't want to see your smiley face. I want to see your smile. I don't wanna see you lol. I want to hear you laugh. And if you're rolling on the floor while doing so, all the better. And if your ass falls off, great. I don't want to add you to my collection of friends / potential victims. I want to make friends with you. And if you like what i say or do, tell me, don't click a fuckin button.

And god help you if you send me shit online.
Fuck you. You cheap bastard.

When's the last time you actually said "What the fuck?!" out loud anyway?
Me? I did that about half an hour ago.
When i discovered they banned Facebook.

It's All About The He Says She Says Bullshit

Man do humans love talking.

All day long it's yakkity yak yakkity yak.
Does anyone really pay attention to the words coming out of their own mouths? Didn't think so. Just try sitting down and listening to these taint-munchers. It's ridiculous. Everyone's talking but really, no one gives a fuck what anyone's saying. Everyone is just waiting for their turn to talk. And of course two totally different conversation are happening at the same time.

Little baby junior son of a bitch is talking about his angst ridden teen life, while Emo Girl v2.34 talks about hers. And meanwhile I'm sitting there hoping they kill themselves. No really kids. Kill yourself and make your parents proud for once. Then your folks at least get to talk about something worthwhile. And I bet you my bottom dollar (and I'm already pretty fucking broke here) the people their parents are talking to, are only waiting for their turn to talk so they can say, "Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss". Lying motherfuckers.

They're not sorry. They're not. Really. Stop crying, it's the truth.

No one ever really means what they say in situations like that. I mean even the words they say don't make any sense.

"I'm sorry."

What the fuck are you sorry about? Did you kill my emo kid? Were you the one who filled my little son of a bitch with angst? If you did i might have to kill you myself, and then your parents will have something worthwhile to talk about. And then their friends will wait to say those same words, and then...well, you get where I'm going with this.

Ah, and then there is the 'small' talk.
"Hi there nice to meet you!" - Fuck you. Even i know it ain't nice to meet me.
"Good morning to you." - Really? Good, morning? What the fuck is so good about it?
"So, what's do you do for a living?" - If you haven't read my other post on what i do (Re: Copywriter Writer), don't even ask me that question. You will regret it. Bastard.

Whenever some one is talking, the other person is usually already formulating an answer in their head. Smartass or otherwise. And they are just waiting to spend some oxygen to prove how smart they can be. And they are so engrossed in this thinking, they have no bloody idea what the fuck you're talking about anymore.

And so we're back at little baby junior son of a bitch and Emo Girl v2.34, and the reason they killed themselves. Talking. Seriously, sometimes you humans gotta know when to just shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Yeah, I'm in love with Helen Keller. Wasn't that obvious.

Copywriter Writer

How is it that almost everyone i know has no idea what i do?
For a living that is.
Even my folks are still pretty unclear about the subject.
I know that the job title seems somewhat deceiving at certain times, but come now. Really? No one really knows what a fucking copywriter does? God damn.

Dumbshit #1: So what is it that you do?
Me: I'm a copywriter.
Dumbshit #1: A copywriter? Oh, so what legal firm are you attached too...
Me: The firm of STFU & Dye...

Yeah. A copywriter apparently is the person who 'copyrights' brands and slogans and what have yous. Screw the fact that it's spelled differently. And double screw the fact that there is actually a fucking post for these people in legal firms. And to the dumbass who actually automatically 'assumes' that I'm in a god damned law firm. Three screws, just for you.

Dumbshit #2: Oh so you're a copywriter?
Me: Yep. That's what i do.
Dumbshit #2: Oh, so you just copy from something and then write it down?
Me: Yeah sure. Here you can do it too! Take this, and just write 'I am a dumbshit!' 50 times on this here piece of paper. Cheers!

Son of a bitch. As if the law firm thing wasn't degrading enough, suddenly i am a fucking plagiarist. Yep, that's one of the more memorable conversations I've had. Ah, the life of a copywriter, just sitting down and copying shit all day. How wonderful! How fulfilling! How completely the mark has been missed by this fucktard!

And then there have been the billions of times that my job has been COMPLETELY misunderstood. Or then there are times when people tend to act like they know, then realize that they weren't really paying attention, and have to do the double take.

Blur Person: Oh! So you're a copywriter huh?
Me: (finally feeling slightly proud that SOMEONE acknowledges my profession) Yes. Yes I am!
Blur Person: Right....right...so you like do billboards and stuff right? Actually, what do you do ah?
Me: (turns slightly to the side, so he can't see the single tear trickling down my left cheek.) Nothing. I do nothing...

Well I'm here to set the record straight. What do I do?
I make you buy shit you don't need, with money you don't fucking have.
I herd you like the little sheep you are, to go to places you hate.
To see people you don't like.
I tell you what to wear in the morning.
I tell you what not to wear at night.
I decide what you give your kids, and what to take from your parents.
I decide who you love, when to get married, and when to bail on your family.
I am that voice in your head that makes you choose Coke over Pepsi.
I make you think you can do it, even when you can't.
I make you think you can score with the hot chick, even with your fugly face.
I give you hope. And i make you feel bad about yourself.
Then I make you pay me, to feel better about yourself again.

That is what i do ladies and gentlemen. That is what a copywriter does.
So get it right. Or shut the fuck up and quit guessing.