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Fat. Lazy. Flatulent.
Words not only used to describe yo momma, but also the recent human condition.
It is alarming how humans these days seem to be growing weaker and weaker my the year. With all the wonders of modern technology and medicine, the human physique has become less and less important. Supplements take the place of good old fashioned exercise, and video games take the place of a good old fashioned ass-kicking.
Kids these days don't even know how to brawl. And my god are they tiny. Walking past a high-school these days is like taking a visit to fucking Hobbiton. These little bastards are really small for their age. This is proof that even evolution has decided to give up on us as a species, and is just taking a back seat by saying, "Fuck off you little twats, may you eventually grow smaller and smaller till you fade off this planet!"
And we deserve it.
Just take a look at our leaders. Our chiefs so to speak. Just look at these flabby out of shape sons of bitches. I can't remember a single leader from any country in my lifetime that isn't over aged, over weight, and over compensating for his tiny penis. (*cough* GeorgeBush *cough*) It's pathetic really. The kings and leaders of old, were chosen for their physical superiority and battle prowess. Okay, so there were exceptions to that rule, fucking Roman fairies...
But come now, wouldn't you like to have a leader in this day an age who would be at the front line of a battle with personal bodyguards in place only to protect his enormous bronze balls. And if he fell, he would go out in a blaze of awesomeness, asking the next better person to take his place, instead of some faggot-y son of his *cough* KimJongIll *cough*....
Oh wait, Conan The Barbarian became a governor or something right? There is hope for California then.
It's no wonder that we live in a generation of weaklings. Because why even bother being strong. All you need to do is to escape into the gaming world and customize your body there, and poof! Eugene is suddenly EuginatorX The Conqueror of World and Lover of Wenches. But in the real world he is still Eugene Owner of Antlike Balls, and his tiny ass will still get kicked at Hobbiton tomorrow.
Sure we compensate for our inferior physique in the animal kingdom by exercising our overly developed brains, but look at what that has brought us. War. Famine. Disease. Cowardice. Antisocial Behavior. And Eugene's really small testicles. And we try as hard as possible to eliminate our own species in the process.
Again Evolution sticking his middle finger at us while laughing maniacally. Bastard.
Wall-E might have been entertaining for you, but it gave me nightmares for weeks, realizing that that future is one that is very very real indeed. Which, also leads me to believe that Pixar is actually headed by Satan himself.
But I'll save that for another post.
It says a lot for how weak we've become when a rouge strain of flu can cause an international emergency. When we fear for our very existence at the mere mention of the word recession. And when a simple piece of paper with the picture of a dead leader (sans bronze balls) printed on it becomes the symbol of ultimate power and supremacy.
How brave are we, when wars and battles are fought from miles away at the push of a button and pull of a trigger. As we speak humans are devolping new and exciting ways of staying as far away as possible from other humans in fear of dying, or getting a boo-boo.
I say fuck em all. Let's get to brawling. Let's remember what it's like to be punched in the face, and kicked in the gut. To chew on metal and to spit blood. To get hit, get back up and hit back. Let's remember what it's like to have some god damned nuts!
Damn it!
Okay, no more coffee and cigarettes for me.
We're all racist. We are. Don't deny it.
We all project our deep down racial stereotype prejudices towards one another in one form or the other. Whether we realise it or not, we don't really live in any harmony whatsoever. Racial tolerance perhaps. But harmony? Bollocks.
Sure, my best friends are from different races, but when it comes to money, hell I'd trust my Chinese friend over my Indian one at any given time. Even if said Chinese friend was bankrupted 5 times, has a gambling problem and has the Lim family on speed dial. Why? Cause i grew up in a school full o'chinese fellows who did a hell of a lot better than me in Math. And the Indian dude might spend it on alcohol.
You winced. Of course you did. After all, that's what was bouncing around somewhere around in your mind. An Indian man drinks. A lot. No seriously, bloody rednecks would shit themselves seeing how much alcohol an Indian can consume. But that's just it isn't it? We are pre-programmed to believe an Indian guy can drink anyone under the table. And still have the strength, neigh, sheer willpower to go home and beat his wife. What a bastard. Well, you i mean. For thinking that.
And so, the Chinese guy gambles, the Indian dude drinks, and what of the Malays?
They fuck. A lot. Rabbits have lowered their tiny little pink noses, and dropped their long long ears to the ground in reverence of said fucking. One wife, two wives, my wife, your wife, it doesn't matter, a Malay dude will do her. And then ride off into the night on his motorbike to race and cause some havoc, before burning a church (allegedly) and dying under the wheels of a Kancil, which will also crash while carrying 9 other Malays in it. They're like lemmings i tell you. Oh, and they're apparently as dumb as dildos too!
Oh, but throw that Malay a football and looks how he takes off! With the Indian right behind him, and the Chinese dude looking like a more retarded version of Corky on the pitch. He should just stick to ping-pong and basketball no?
Oh, and how could i forget my beloved Eurasian brethren. Well, we're just assholes. ALL OF US. No exceptions.
The fact that you know what I'm talking about up to this point, already makes you a racist stereotype-caster.
Listen. No matter what we proclaim to be, we are indeed racist. Perhaps, not in a KKK/Nazi/Mel Gibson way, but we are. We look at a person and judge them based on the color of their skin, the way they talk, or the way that they smell. Mmmmm, mutton curry. And we will continue to do so, and we will be just fine. We don't necessarily hate each other, we just expect certain things of certain races. And if/when it happens, we will merely shrug it off and say, "Ah, that's just what he's like." It's not wrong, and you don't need to feel guilty about it. Feeling guilty about these little petty things will only make you more angry. Cause ultimately, all that guilt will have to find a person to blame, and no matter how unselfish you think you may be, that person won't be yourself.
And me? Well, i just can't wait to gamble with my Chinese, get drunk with my Indians, and get in on some o'that Malay poontang.
After all, I'm just another asshole.
Well the office has finally gone and banned Facebook. And MSN apparently. Although that son of a bitch Twitter is still allowed. (If they even touch Torrents, I'm resigning.) And it seems like they may be on an all out war on social networking.
And i say good fuckin riddance.
Okay, so they still allow the use of these apps after 6pm, which I guess is needed to keep a whole bunch of people from resigning. But I am glad they've decided to do something about the menace of social networking. Allow me to elaborate.
Fuck social networking. Fuck it in the ear.
Where the hell do you get off poking me? I dare you to try that in real life. Go ahead. See now your fingers are broken. How the hell are you going to update your status now bitch? Oh yeah, status updates. What the hell is this shit? Why do i need to know what John Q Nobody is doing every moment of his god damned life.
Hey if your life was so fuckin interesting, write a god damned autobiography. And then go kill yourself. It's the only way it'll ever sell.
Look, what I'm saying is, it's not so much the online apps that i abhor. The mere fact that I'm saying this in bloody cyberspace proves that the concept of it works. What i hate is how people use this crap as a shield to stop communicating with one another.
If you wanted to tell me how your day was, pick up the god damned phone and tell me. Or fuck that, let's get a whiskey instead. Don't send me a fuckin email when you're sitting in the cubicle next to me. Don't text me when your lazy ass works in the same office as me. And don't bloody expect me to know you were having a bad day by reading your fuckin twit. Twat.
I don't want to see your smiley face. I want to see your smile. I don't wanna see you lol. I want to hear you laugh. And if you're rolling on the floor while doing so, all the better. And if your ass falls off, great. I don't want to add you to my collection of friends / potential victims. I want to make friends with you. And if you like what i say or do, tell me, don't click a fuckin button.
And god help you if you send me shit online.
Fuck you. You cheap bastard.
When's the last time you actually said "What the fuck?!" out loud anyway?
Me? I did that about half an hour ago.
When i discovered they banned Facebook.
Man do humans love talking.
All day long it's yakkity yak yakkity yak.
Does anyone really pay attention to the words coming out of their own mouths? Didn't think so. Just try sitting down and listening to these taint-munchers. It's ridiculous. Everyone's talking but really, no one gives a fuck what anyone's saying. Everyone is just waiting for their turn to talk. And of course two totally different conversation are happening at the same time.
Little baby junior son of a bitch is talking about his angst ridden teen life, while Emo Girl v2.34 talks about hers. And meanwhile I'm sitting there hoping they kill themselves. No really kids. Kill yourself and make your parents proud for once. Then your folks at least get to talk about something worthwhile. And I bet you my bottom dollar (and I'm already pretty fucking broke here) the people their parents are talking to, are only waiting for their turn to talk so they can say, "Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss". Lying motherfuckers.
They're not sorry. They're not. Really. Stop crying, it's the truth.
No one ever really means what they say in situations like that. I mean even the words they say don't make any sense.
"I'm sorry."
What the fuck are you sorry about? Did you kill my emo kid? Were you the one who filled my little son of a bitch with angst? If you did i might have to kill you myself, and then your parents will have something worthwhile to talk about. And then their friends will wait to say those same words, and then...well, you get where I'm going with this.
Ah, and then there is the 'small' talk.
"Hi there nice to meet you!" - Fuck you. Even i know it ain't nice to meet me.
"Good morning to you." - Really? Good, morning? What the fuck is so good about it?
"So, what's do you do for a living?" - If you haven't read my other post on what i do (Re: Copywriter Writer), don't even ask me that question. You will regret it. Bastard.
Whenever some one is talking, the other person is usually already formulating an answer in their head. Smartass or otherwise. And they are just waiting to spend some oxygen to prove how smart they can be. And they are so engrossed in this thinking, they have no bloody idea what the fuck you're talking about anymore.
And so we're back at little baby junior son of a bitch and Emo Girl v2.34, and the reason they killed themselves. Talking. Seriously, sometimes you humans gotta know when to just shut. The. Fuck. Up.
Yeah, I'm in love with Helen Keller. Wasn't that obvious.
How is it that almost everyone i know has no idea what i do?
For a living that is.
Even my folks are still pretty unclear about the subject.
I know that the job title seems somewhat deceiving at certain times, but come now. Really? No one really knows what a fucking copywriter does? God damn.
Dumbshit #1: So what is it that you do?
Me: I'm a copywriter.
Dumbshit #1: A copywriter? Oh, so what legal firm are you attached too...
Me: The firm of STFU & Dye...
Yeah. A copywriter apparently is the person who 'copyrights' brands and slogans and what have yous. Screw the fact that it's spelled differently. And double screw the fact that there is actually a fucking post for these people in legal firms. And to the dumbass who actually automatically 'assumes' that I'm in a god damned law firm. Three screws, just for you.
Dumbshit #2: Oh so you're a copywriter?
Me: Yep. That's what i do.
Dumbshit #2: Oh, so you just copy from something and then write it down?
Me: Yeah sure. Here you can do it too! Take this, and just write 'I am a dumbshit!' 50 times on this here piece of paper. Cheers!
Son of a bitch. As if the law firm thing wasn't degrading enough, suddenly i am a fucking plagiarist. Yep, that's one of the more memorable conversations I've had. Ah, the life of a copywriter, just sitting down and copying shit all day. How wonderful! How fulfilling! How completely the mark has been missed by this fucktard!
And then there have been the billions of times that my job has been COMPLETELY misunderstood. Or then there are times when people tend to act like they know, then realize that they weren't really paying attention, and have to do the double take.
Blur Person: Oh! So you're a copywriter huh?
Me: (finally feeling slightly proud that SOMEONE acknowledges my profession) Yes. Yes I am!
Blur Person: Right....right...so you like do billboards and stuff right? Actually, what do you do ah?
Me: (turns slightly to the side, so he can't see the single tear trickling down my left cheek.) Nothing. I do nothing...
Well I'm here to set the record straight. What do I do?
I make you buy shit you don't need, with money you don't fucking have.
I herd you like the little sheep you are, to go to places you hate.
To see people you don't like.
I tell you what to wear in the morning.
I tell you what not to wear at night.
I decide what you give your kids, and what to take from your parents.
I decide who you love, when to get married, and when to bail on your family.
I am that voice in your head that makes you choose Coke over Pepsi.
I make you think you can do it, even when you can't.
I make you think you can score with the hot chick, even with your fugly face.
I give you hope. And i make you feel bad about yourself.
Then I make you pay me, to feel better about yourself again.
That is what i do ladies and gentlemen. That is what a copywriter does.
So get it right. Or shut the fuck up and quit guessing.
Vlad the impaler is turning in his bloody grave.
And not the normal turning around just to get a bit more leverage to break the fuck out and terrorize the countryside kind of turning. It's more like the flipping around until the skin and flesh is completely worn off his fuckin elbows and knees, turning.
Twilight. What the fuck is this unholy shit?
Sure it starts off normal enough.
Girl meets boys. Boy wants to eat girl (well, hell even i could relate to that part). Girl wants boy to eat her. Boy refuses to eat girl (still pretty standard stuff). Boy turns into Chinese Raver (it's the body glitter, and this is also where common sense is thrown out the window, beaten with a metal baseball bat, then shat upon). Boy turns out to be a douchebag Vampire, with equally douchebaggy family. Boy decides to kill self instead of living without girl. Girl decides to nearly kill self in hopes of seeing boy.
And all the way, nobody dies, nobody gets eaten, and nobody actually gives a flying fornication about acting. And apparently American Indians beat their wives, and have no jobs or clothes.
Oh, and everybody comes from a land of perfect bodies, faces and impeccable skin. Fuck you, Hollywood. No really. Fuck. You.
What happened to the blood? And where the fuck is the god damned neck biting? Why is everybody so damned pretty? Why don't the werewolves tear the shit out of every god damned thing? Why isn't that dumb bitch Belle afraid or even mildly surprised at the existence of supernatural creatures? AND WHY THE FUCK IS THERE BODY GLITTER?!
The movies make little to no sense, and is by far one of the shittiest things to have ever pass before my vision. And I've seen one whole season of Sex In The City.
It is honestly a testament to our human condition when we are willing to be entertained by crap like this. Have we all forgotten how to kick some ass? The monsters created for these films were created to instill fear and abject hatred in our heart. Their roots buried deep in mythology and history, as creatures who would haunt us and kill us when we least expect it. The new generation of kids however will see them as handsome, dashing, constipated-looking, body glitter-wearing, pretty boys, who would sooner take us to a movie and to a club instead of ripping us to shreds.
There's only one way to resolve this piece of shit culture that is rearing its ugly head. Dear ole, throat-ripping, people-impaling Vladimir. May he burst forth from his grave and kill every single person who is lulled to a safe place by Edward. And may he reign terror upon you and your loved ones, so that the future generations may be saved.
Oh, and Stephenie Meyer. Fuck you.
A church is burnt.
A religion is mocked.
An ego is hurt.
A stone is thrown.
And so the vicious cycle begins anew.
It's funny really.
One moment we're all holding hands celebrating the new year. The next we're pointing fingers (probably still attached to those same hands), and flinging shit.
Ah humans, when will you decide to evolve.
See, it's not so much the violence I can't tolerate. Hell, I'd even fucking encourage it.
It's the damned emptiness of said violence that I abhor.
Just hear me out here.
What are the reason for these so called attacks?
Religion?
"How dare you use the name of Allah. How dare you try to steal our god?!"
Well, come now. I didn't know one could actually steal names. Does this mean I get to burn every mother fucker named Alexis in this world.
" Hi there stranger. My name is Alexis, what's yours?"
"My name is fuck you name stealer. Come along now to this little petrol kiosk nearby..."
Politics?
Yeah, we've heard this one before. Someone else takes over the government of a place, and the opposition decides to cause a little "civil unrest" within the boundaries of the ruling party.
"Okay, its like this, we burn a few churches, and blame the Muslims, then we can come in to save the day!!!"
"Uh, wait. Aren't we muslims as well? And uh, aren't those churches also indirectly proclaiming our god as their god as well?"
"Shit man. You are so stupid. We are Malay la, not Muslim...."
No education?
"We are mat-motors, so let's do something truly grand and burn a fuckin church down!!!"
"Eh, how about we drink the kerosene instead and get high?"
"ye, tak ye jugak kan. Okay jom!"
This country has some serious issues. And frankly I shouldn't give a good god damn about it. Or rather i shouldn't give a good Allah damn about it. (Yeah, fuck you church burners. Come get me.)
But i find myself surrounded by friends and family who do give a damn about it, and i am then compelled to give a shit. Not to mention the fact that for all this time I've been considered the fuckin Anti-Christ and now suddenly I'm suppose to be the champion of god ( i ain't kidding you, already 3 people have asked me, "Eh so, if something goes wrong you are gonna fight on our side right???) Your assumptions make an ass out of you and me. And Assumption Church as well apparently.
You know what? Fuck you. Yeah you who asked me to help your religion out. Yeah you who burned a fucking church. And who could forget you, you fucking politician. And you too blog reader, who's been agitated all day to do something about the whole situation, so much so that you decide to go online and find people who have similar opponions to your own. Fuck you.
That's right. If you felt so strongly about the subject, why the hell are you reading this shit? Why don't you go out there and do something? I've already done my part. I'm fanning the flames with this post, AND i managed to punch a Malay just now. That's at least 50 points for me.
You wanna top me? Go burn a mosque.
Then come back here in a day and read this same fuckin article from the top, cause it's about you.
