Copywriter Writer

How is it that almost everyone i know has no idea what i do?
For a living that is.
Even my folks are still pretty unclear about the subject.
I know that the job title seems somewhat deceiving at certain times, but come now. Really? No one really knows what a fucking copywriter does? God damn.

Dumbshit #1: So what is it that you do?
Me: I'm a copywriter.
Dumbshit #1: A copywriter? Oh, so what legal firm are you attached too...
Me: The firm of STFU & Dye...

Yeah. A copywriter apparently is the person who 'copyrights' brands and slogans and what have yous. Screw the fact that it's spelled differently. And double screw the fact that there is actually a fucking post for these people in legal firms. And to the dumbass who actually automatically 'assumes' that I'm in a god damned law firm. Three screws, just for you.

Dumbshit #2: Oh so you're a copywriter?
Me: Yep. That's what i do.
Dumbshit #2: Oh, so you just copy from something and then write it down?
Me: Yeah sure. Here you can do it too! Take this, and just write 'I am a dumbshit!' 50 times on this here piece of paper. Cheers!

Son of a bitch. As if the law firm thing wasn't degrading enough, suddenly i am a fucking plagiarist. Yep, that's one of the more memorable conversations I've had. Ah, the life of a copywriter, just sitting down and copying shit all day. How wonderful! How fulfilling! How completely the mark has been missed by this fucktard!

And then there have been the billions of times that my job has been COMPLETELY misunderstood. Or then there are times when people tend to act like they know, then realize that they weren't really paying attention, and have to do the double take.

Blur Person: Oh! So you're a copywriter huh?
Me: (finally feeling slightly proud that SOMEONE acknowledges my profession) Yes. Yes I am!
Blur Person: Right....right...so you like do billboards and stuff right? Actually, what do you do ah?
Me: (turns slightly to the side, so he can't see the single tear trickling down my left cheek.) Nothing. I do nothing...

Well I'm here to set the record straight. What do I do?
I make you buy shit you don't need, with money you don't fucking have.
I herd you like the little sheep you are, to go to places you hate.
To see people you don't like.
I tell you what to wear in the morning.
I tell you what not to wear at night.
I decide what you give your kids, and what to take from your parents.
I decide who you love, when to get married, and when to bail on your family.
I am that voice in your head that makes you choose Coke over Pepsi.
I make you think you can do it, even when you can't.
I make you think you can score with the hot chick, even with your fugly face.
I give you hope. And i make you feel bad about yourself.
Then I make you pay me, to feel better about yourself again.

That is what i do ladies and gentlemen. That is what a copywriter does.
So get it right. Or shut the fuck up and quit guessing.